Who I Really Am

I am writing this in the hope that maybe people with similar feelings will make themselves known. I do not write this to gain praise. I suspect I may annoy and antagonize a few people. I will try not too. But I will also be honest with you, on how I feel. I won’t lie.
This article is about how over 6 years my life has changed more than I could possibly ever imagine.

As a child I wasn’t what you might call happy. I was fairly OK. But school life was a bore. We learnt nothing of great interest. I barely remember any lessons. But I do remember the students. Those sick little kids who thought it was funny to torment me. It wasn’t pleasureable. I can say that. I was never beaten up or anything. It was mostly psychological. I remember a new girl came into our class and I saw another girl say to her, “Thats Philip, don’t talk to him” and that was that. I never got a word in.
By 10, exactly 6 years ago, I was eagarly awaiting secondry school, I got into a pretty decent school, Called Brooksbank. Now I wasn’t exactly popular here but I wasn’t socially outcast either. Here was a clean slate. Somewhere new to start. I met a boy named Elliot, he was in the year above me, he was cool, we talked about all sorts, but one day the topic got onto Paganism. I got into it. Practicing it lightly. Reading about it. Absorbing the philosophy, learning everything I could. But i was scared to do rituals and stuff.

This was my first taste of spirituality in any form, before hand I was raised a Christian. God how I loved to dismiss Christianty, it felt so good loosening the chains of that Religion. My first taste of what was to come.

Two years passed, I am now 12 going on 13, and I discover a site called Astral Dynamics. This was a glorious find for me. I shrugged off the fluffly, New Age paganism and absorbed a more practical based Spirituality, involving moving energy around the body and astral projection.
I bought the books, I read it and practiced it. And it worked. I noticed instant results. I got better at it. I worked at it hard. I got good energy flowing. But I never achieved Astral Projection. I thought there was something wrong with me, so I drifted away. I still remained a member of their forums, but at this time, it was late 2004 and we all know what came about then. Steves site. I discovered it by accident and was instantly hooked, I read all his articles, and listend to all his podcasts. I took my new found practiicality back to the forums and was greeted with a mixed reaction. One person who showed interest was a man named Derek Bertrand, who calls himself Oath. At this time we talked a bit over MSN, but he seemed a bit distant. A bit weird to me.

two and a bit years pass and I drift along, content with my supposed understanding, happy to go along with Steve and whatever he says.

Its now the start of 2007 and I am changing so much. Me and Oath start to talk a bit more. We discuss things like Truth, the nature of things, ME.

And I begin to really come to terms with my own identity (Now this is the bit that might get people rubbed the wrong way)

I started to see just how stupid people really where. We began to talk more about me, about my future. Oath mentioned some things and after a long conversation we came to the conclusion that I am a very unique person, not only mentally but energetically and consciously. You see the reason I couldn’t astral project is because the techniques outlined won’t work for someone like me. I don’t really understand why. but It seems I am on my own with these things. It seems I have a certain way of learning things, and moving energy around, so that the techniques only apply to half my energy, not all of it. Its like I have a different energy structure to my psychic body.

Not only that but I am consciously aware in a totally different way to most people. I always knew, as a young child, that I was different, but at the time I just put it down to escapism, what with the bullying and stuff and until recently thats what I thought. But now… after these last few weeks I just know something is different inside of me. I seek a “truth” most people don’t understand. Something that can’t be spoken. Or taught. Or Known. its just…felt. Its a feeling deep down in my soul. No. deeper than the soul. Somewhere people fear to look. Deeper in my being. Its part of my very existance. Its not a definable thing. Its not a tangible thing.

Oath assures me I am special. I have a hard time accepting this though. I am doing slowly. But what he says always seems to fanciful. So fantasy like that it seems unreal. He says I am mentioned in prophecy, that even my name is a clue to my power. He says I share character traits with different deities, namely Odin www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Odin and, as arrogant and egoic as it may sound, I am starting to agree with him.

And now I am here. Writing this post. I felt the need to release my energy in this way. I needed to free up mental space somehow. This is how. I am me. I know who I am now. I feel it. My real name, my true name is Soulfire. I am being of immense power and vast wisdom, I have been around since the dawn of time, my destiny is such a huge one that it too sounds unreal and fanciful. I don’t care if you do not agree with me. I don’t care if you feel the need to patronize me, or put me down. I know what I am here for. I am know my own potential.

I am Soulfire.

And now you know who I really am.